


Velonara's Eleven

by Meimo



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: All the dark rangers are gay for each other, Comedy, Dark Comedy, F/F, Nathanos hate, Silly, Yugioh but gayer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:33:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meimo/pseuds/Meimo
Summary: The Dark Rangers have a special hobby to alleviate boredom.
Relationships: Dark Ranger Velonara/Dark Ranger Vorel/Sylvanas Windrunner, Dark Ranger Velonara/Sylvanas Windrunner
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

There were many things one might see, living in Undercity, that to the majority of Azeroth’s population would most likely be considered disturbing, alarming even. Many forsaken’s daily walks to work alone would take them past any number of horrors, to include fel magic being openly taught, the experiments carried out in what could only minimally be thought of as secrecy by the Royal Apothecary Society, and whatever unholy, soul-destroying terror the Cult of the Forgotten Shadow wrought on a daily basis as part of its part of its regular mass.

Still, of all the sights in Undercity that most Forsaken or other longtime residents had since grown desensitized too, there was one to which they were decisively _not_. That sight was the Banshee Queen’s dark rangers patrolling about, watchful crimson eyes peering out from under their pitch black hoods as they surveyed the citizenry around them. The presence of one or more dark rangers in a crowd could mean any number of things, from a simple guard patrol, to hunting down seditious elements whose names were in all likelihood fed to them by the Deathstalkers, to highly secretive operations kept away even from the eyes of the rest of the Horde. It mattered not, and that was a conclusion one repeated to themselves over and over if they wanted to last long in Undercity. 

If the unmistakably beautiful form of one of the Dark Lady’s elite was seen, it was best for one to simply keep their head down, keep walking, and hope they weren’t there for them.

So then it was a particularly brave pair of forsaken that sat on a ledge side by side high above one of the glowing green rivers that wove their way throughout the city, watching a pair of Dark Rangers standing outside a sealed off door diagonally below, bows drawn and arrows nocked.

“They’ve been standing there for hours…” The one on the left, one Maurus Rotbrain whispered, pointing a finger at the pair as he leaned over to his companion. “What do you think they’re doing?”

“Dunno.” The other, a taller forsaken by the name of Custis Marrowfield, answered. “They haven’t stood in one place for so long outside of the Royal Quarter since Varimathras.”

He was, of course, referring to the dreadlord’s attempted coup back during the campaign against the Lich King - an event that only the latter of them had actually been dead long enough to remember.

That didn’t stop Maurus from forming an opinion of his own, though. “Maybe they-” He was cut off as he felt his already unbeating heart freeze inside his chest as one of the undead elves below snapped her gaze upwards to meet his own. “Th… they…”

“We should go.” Custis mercifully cut him off, grabbing under his friend’s arm and standing up, before quickly leading him out of sight. Once they were sure they were out of earshot, they broke into an all out sprint.

Back down below, Dark Ranger Velonara watched with a rather bored expression as the pair of former humans hurried off. “They’re gone.” She finally spoke, her voice a terrifying ethereal sound just loud enough for her own companion to hear.

“Good.” Dark Ranger Lyana answered. “Did you bring the package?”

Velonara nodded, discretely passing her comrade a small, paper wrapped parcel. “It’s all there.”

Without bothering a reply, Lyana passed back her own similar looking package. “Go.”

A moment later, the both of them were gone.

It wasn’t until she’d gotten away far enough to a secluded spot deep within the mazelike tunnels of the makeshift city that Velonara knelt down and withdrew her package from under her cloak with an unmistakable grin, far from the outward image most the Dark Rangers sought to project, before giddily tearing it open like a present on Winter’s Veil morning.

As the shredded remains of the brown paper wrapping fell to the ground around her, in her hands sat a pair of cards each roughly the size of her glove, and each one bearing a picture with a painstakingly calligraphed title above it and a set of statistics below, with a small quote in slanted letters sitting at the very bottom.

The first one, titled ‘Cyndia’s Tits Squished Together’ held, true to its name, a picture from the neck to the hips of the ranger in question pressing both of her rather sizable breasts together with her hands, below which were relevant measurements followed by a downright adorable line from the woman herself. 

The second one, titled ‘Anya’s Dick’, was similarly formatted. Altogether, the pair had been totally worth trading Sira’s Abs for.

It was a pastime largely born as a result of the war against the Legion. While it had always certainly been well known that the Dark Rangers held a rather close relationship with their queen, to most of the Horde it was simply the continuation of the strong sense of camaraderie they’d held as rangers in life. In reality, however, anyone who’d been around the Royal Quarter long enough to catch the equally excited and disjointed chorus of banshee screams coming from the Dark Lady’s private quarters knew better.

The truth was that in practice, the dark rangers were less a unit of the Forsaken military and more a massive harem of risen elves, former wardens included, dedicated to servicing the Banshee Queen; that just happened to be very good at killing things with unwavering loyalty.

It wasn’t ever planned to be like that, of course. Rather, it was simply a consequence of their condition. Being risen was a traumatic event for most, but for elves it was a whole other level. To be killed, only to wake up in agony soon after, stripped of their eternal beauty and their once vivid sense of emotion was, to many, not to mention for many their connection to the Sunwell, was downright shattering.

But Sylvanas was nothing if not an expert at making women feel things, and she took extra care to make sure each and every one of her fellow forsaken elves learned to regain their sense of passion, while making sure each one likewise felt beautiful, special, and cared for.

The fact that each individual instance ended up going in the same direction was just a happy coincidence.

The only issue was, the Dark Lady was often busy, and as a result her dark rangers had had to learn to take care of each other’s needs while she wasn’t available to. The end result was a relationship somewhere between a sisterhood and an unending orgy.

When the Legion invaded again and the Dark Rangers as a whole were to be scattered across Azeroth, they began using cameras bought from the goblins to take pictures of each other to bring with them on their deployments in the name of making everything slightly more bearable. This in turn led to dark rangers trading pictures around like they were Hearthstone cards, leading to the comparison eventually being formalized after the war was over. Being composed entirely of elves, after all, they certainly had more than a few skilled calligraphers on hand.

“What are you doing, ranger?”

Of course, no utopia was truly perfect, and the Dark Rangers’ setup was no exception - specifically due to a single particular factor.

At the sound of the voice, Velonara hastily stowed the pair of cards and looked up to see the greasy face of Ranger-Lord Nathanos Blightcaller.

“Nothing sir!” She hastily answered, straightening her posture.

While Nathanos was technically a dark ranger, and their leader at that, he was rather unique in that he was _entirely_ excluded from the aforementioned system, to the point where he wasn’t officially even supposed to know that the rest of them _were_ having sex with the dark lady - a state of events that only drove both them and Sylvanas herself to scream that much louder whenever they knew he was around, if for no other reason than for the fact that they enjoyed seeing his expression when they knew he couldn’t say anything.

They even had a nickname for him, one they were careful not to say around Sylvanas but also one which they knew she knew: ‘GS’, short for ‘The Greasestain’.

It was for that reason in particular that Velonara now found herself on the receiving end of an extra venomous glare from the human. “Shirking your duties to play Hearthstone, ranger?”

Despite not being alive, she could very much swear at that moment that she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. “N-no sir.” She swallowed.

His eyes flicked once up and down her body, and she found herself having to resist the urge to throw up then and there. “I would advise you to get your act together, ranger. Darkshore is a far less forgiving place than the Scarlet Monastery.”

“Understood sir.”

Without another word, he held out his hand, and Velonara felt a small part of herself die all over again as she forced herself to place the pair of cards in it.

As he accepted them, he gave them a quick look over - an act which made it even harder for Velonara to keep from throwing up - before speaking again. “If you’re going to forsake your duty to your queen, at least do it for better cards than Millhouse Manastorm. Dismissed.”

A small wave of relief gave Velonara at least some sense of ease as the ranger lord turned and started away. At least the enchantment had held up.

After Nathanos had very nearly stumbled upon a card depicting the recently risen and still adjusting Delaryn Summermoon, the other rangers had resolved to devise countermeasures to make sure something like that would never fully come to pass - which in their case meant strongarming some poor mage into enchanting everyone’s cards so that anytime a male forsaken looked at them - a parameter intended to target specifically Nathanos but which was left especially broad just in case - all they’d see was a normal Hearthstone card.

On top of that, they’d developed some basic protocols for carrying out trades discreetly so as to minimize the chances of him catching anything.

Still, he wasn’t ranger lord for no reason, and as a result he’d still managed to confiscate more than a few cards whenever the opportunity arose, largely in the name of his crusade to maximize ranger discipline so as to increase his chances of winning the Dark Lady’s favor, but also for the fact that he himself was a rather avid collector of Hearthstone cards.

The ultimate result of this was that he unknowingly held a massive collection of pictures of pretty much every single dark ranger and several dark wardens hidden somewhere in his office - a veritable ticking time bomb just waiting to go off the moment he found someone to play with, an event that the rest of them had expended no small amount of effort to keep from occurring.

As Nathanos turned a corner and out of sight, Velonara let the back of her head hit the stone brick wall, sliding down to a sitting position as she did so. She was due to set off for Darkshore a little more than a week from now, and as a result it’d become no small effort of hers to amass as many cards as she could before then; an effort that grease stain had just gone out of his way to make that much harder.

It was a short while later that she made it back to the company’s barracks, tucked away deep within a heavily restricted section of the War Quarter. As she stepped inside, she was immediately greeted by the sight of a largely cleared out room, with the walls covered by racks of weapons, and the floor covered in rugs and pillows strongly reminiscent of something that’d be found in Quel’thalas - except in this case, everything was black. Lying around the room were the corpse-pale forms of a number of her fellow dark rangers, all of them naked. Some were cuddling, others were simply resting, and some still were engaged in public acts of passion, something that none of the others seemed to mind.

While originally the room had been a genuine set of barracks, it’d quickly become apparent that the rows of beds one normally found in barracks were not a particularly efficient use of space given the difficulty forsaken had in actually finding sleep. As a result, it’d then been cleared out and converted into a training area for everyone to spar with each other. It was from there that its current state of purpose was only inevitable.

As Velonara heard the door click shut behind her, she turned and placed her weapons on a nearby rack before stripping down herself, lazily casting her adornments off to the side in favor of focussing on the nice, soft, unclaimed pillow sitting halfway across the room.

No sooner had she actually flopped down on said pillow, however, than her ears caught the sound of someone approaching from behind.

“Long shift, Virgin?” The recognizable voice of Dark Ranger Lenara cooed from behind her.

‘Virgin’. Of all the things her sisters in arms could possibly have given her a nickname for, it wasn’t her heroic victories against the Scarlet Crusade, nor her part in the expedition into alternate Draenor. No, of all the things she’d been nicknamed for, it was the fact that she’d died a virgin.

While normally she might actually devote energy to being annoyed at the name, at the moment all she could do was weakly nod into the pillow beneath her.

The sound of soft footfalls told her Lenara had moved to stand at her side, shortly before the woman crouched down next to her and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Care to talk about it?”

“GS took my cards.”

Lenara clicked her tongue in a sound of both surprise and not surprise, as thought she’d expected him to take _someone’s_ cards, just not Velonara’s. “...All of them, or…?”

“Two. Anya and Cyndia. Right after I’d traded for them too.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the former look around from across the room at the mention of her name, before returning her attention to the book she was reading.

“Ow. What’d you trade for them?” Lenara lay down on her side next to her as she spoke.

“Sira.”

“Arms or abs?”

“You think I would’ve traded her arms if I had them?”

Lenara cocked her head in a gesture of concession. “Point. When are you shipping out again?”

“Nine days.” She rubbed her face as she rolled over onto her back.

“Oh me too!”

Velonara looked over at her. “You’re being sent to Darkshore too?”

She shook her head. “Orgrimmar. All the newly risen Kaldorei means a lot more of us are required to help get them acclimated.”

She nodded, before giving a small grin. “Be gentle on them. 10000 years spent around Kaldorei men means most of them probably have no idea what an orgasm even is.”

Lenara covered her mouth to stifle a chuckle. “I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, you’re not the only one to get her cards stolen today. Marrah got caught too. GS has been going on a warpath.”

Velonara’s eyebrows scrunched together. “You don’t think he…”

“No, that mage was far too terrified to do a bad job. I think he just sees that we really enjoy playing Hearthstone and is deciding to be petty over our lady’s favor.”

“Mm. You think he-”

Her question was cut short as the door was thrown open, and a distressed looking Alina - followed by an even more distressed looking Vorel - came rushing into the room, the latter turning and swiftly closing the door behind them before locking it, then deadbarring it, then beginning to barricade it with whatever was within reach.

“It’s gone!” The former cried out, meanwhile, loudly enough to get everyone’s attention.

Velonara sat up, as did several others around the room.

“What is?” One ranger asked with a look of confusion.

“It!” She seemed to gesture with her hands as though ‘it’ was something of critical importance.

“Wh-”

“It was my turn!” Alina shouted before sinking to her knees in a look of shame.

The room went silent as what ‘it’ was set in, a sense of dawning horror coming over the collective group, before concern for their comrade took precedence and they all began to converge on the mortified ranger to try and comfort her.

While most cards the rangers traded around were considered objects of personal property, there was one in particular that was not. Rather, instead of being held or squirreled away by any single ranger, it was instead passed around on a rotating basis among those stationed in Undercity, far away from Orgrimmar.

One of the ways they’d thought to haze one of the new dark wardens after Darkshore had been to give her a camera and have her, when the opportunity presented itself, ask the Dark Lady for a picture.

No one had expected her to actually say yes.

The result was a full body nude of the Banshee Queen smirking at the camera while stroking the strapon she’d been wearing at the time.

As the others began to put their arms around the upset ranger and whisper quick reassurances, it was Velonara that took the initiative to ask the question. While she certainly wasn’t the highest ranked of the group, she did wield considerable respect, which in practice meant she might as well have had the rank.

“Alina. It’s okay.” She grabbed the ranger’s chin. “Look at me.” Before tipping it up so that their eyes met. “What happened? Why is it gone?”

At that, Alina’s breathing began to intensify, before she tore her head away from Velonara’s grip and looked down once more. “Nathanos. We, me and Vorel, we…” Her speech was cut off as her breathing intensified to hyperventilating.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Velonara cooed, reaching down and cupping her comrade’s cheek. “Just, breathe, and tell us when you’re ready.”

Alina nodded quickly as she began making a clear effort to try and calm herself. “I…” She swallowed. “We were in the Royal Quarter and… no one was gonna attack the Royal Quarter without _her_ there, so I thought we could just sit and play a quick game of Hearthstone while we waited-”

She paused as her breathing began to ramp up again, before being forced down once more.

“And, he came along and he said we were a disgrace to the Forsaken” her speech began to pick up in speed. “And then he took our cards and I had it hidden in the deck and now it’s gone and I’m so sorry!” Her hands clapped over her mouth as she keeled forward. 

Another wave of gentle reassurances passed through the group as they all moved in to hug Alina closer.

The only exception to this was Velonara, because at that moment an idea had sparked in her mind and almost immediately turned into a blazing inferno. Perhaps it was selfish of her, opportunistic even, but at that moment she had a way she could get back not only the two cards she’d lost today, but all the cards she could ever want for her deployment to Darkshore.

“How are we going to get another picture taken?” Someone asked in a tone of worry.

“We’re not.” Velonara spoke up with the certainty of someone who knew exactly what they were doing. “He stole ours. And now we’re going to steal it back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the result of a discord convo in which a bunch of us started trading nudes with each other all at once like they were trading cards.
> 
> Also fun fact, the dying a virgin thing is totally canon. In the hunter class hall she says "I was a maiden, pure and true. A young ranger in service of Silvermoon, betrothed to the nobleman of my dreams".


	2. Chapter 2

It was roughly 12 hours of planning later that they set to work, scattering out into the city to take position in preparation for the day ahead.

It wasn’t actually a problem finding where Nathanos kept the cards, mind. There was only one place where he really could conceivably put the sheer number he’d seized; that place being his office in the War Quarter.

It wasn’t getting past guards or other prying eyes that was the issue either. After all, his office was deep within a section guarded entirely by Dark Rangers, all of whom were either a part of or had been notified of the plan in advance.

No, the real issue was the actual office door itself. Being that the GS was such a high ranking member of the Forsaken military, his office wasn’t merely guarded by a simple lock that could be so easily picked. No, his office was guarded by what could only be considered one of the strongest passive security implements ever devised. It was a lock, yes, but of a far more advanced design than any other seen, even of goblin make. 

A long time ago, when the Forsaken had accepted the irradiated leper gnomes into the fold, they’d acquired a small amount of skilled artificers, leaps and bounds ahead of anything else the Horde had at its disposal at the time. These gnomes had, with some gentle persuasion, since been utilized in service to the Dark Lady, as part of a secretive but elite workshop for special projects, known only to the most trusted within the Forsaken’s ranks. 

It was this workshop that had designed not only the unique lock on Nathanos’ office door, but the entire door itself, warding it so thoroughly that neither sound, nor air could get in or out, and it was due to their efforts that the dark rangers’ plan for retrieving their ‘Hearthstone cards’ had become all the more difficult - and dangerous.

It was for that reason that Dark Ranger Anya now stood guard outside Nathanos’ office door, having swapped shifts with another ranger to fill the spot at exactly the needed moment, while Velonara watched carefully from behind a nearby corner, dubbed “Rally Point Alpha”, to make sure everything went off without a hitch.

And so it was that, after a suspenseful wait, she was relieved to see the door to Nathanos’ office open and the GS himself stepping through, turning and closing the door behind him. As he went to lock the door, both Anya and the ranger opposite her paid close attention out of the corners of their eyes to where exactly on his person he put the key as he replaced it.

They continued to watch him as he turned back around and set off, Anya waiting until he was just out of earshot before turning her head to face her comrade. From where Velonara was standing, she could see the woman’s lips moved at barely a whisper to confirm with the ranger opposite her that they’d seen correctly. They’d only get one shot at this, after all.

Thankfully, the ranger answered with a quick nod.

“Team C, go.” Velonara turned to where Lyana and Lenara were waiting anxiously behind her.

“Yes ma’am.” Lyana answered, before the pair of them hurried out of cover to relieve the current guards of their posts as swiftly as possible.

The moment Anya was free, she broke into a near silent sprint over to Velonara’s position.

“Lower right pants pocket!” She swiftly hissed.

Velonara answered with a single nod. “Got it. Move to phase B.”

“You’re sure he’ll play along?”

“Trust me, he will.” She answered quickly. “Now move.”

As Anya turned and ran off to prepare their agent, dubbed “Black Rose”, Velonara likewise broke into a run off toward Rally Point Beta to begin the next part of the plan.

* * *

Undercity had never been a popular tourist destination, by any means. Between the dark, cramped conditions, the overpowering smell of rotting flesh, the glowing green rivers of light knew what, and the tendency for unwary living travellers to accidentally break some obscure law and summarily disappear, it was fair to say the former Capital City underbelly easily placed at the bottom of most people’s travel lists.

Still, there _were_ reasons to visit. Diplomatic missions aside, Undercity was perhaps the only place in Azeroth where an aspiring warlock could receive not only a reliable, but also formalized education in the demonic arts, and all without a hint of secrecy to boot! 

Additionally, for young aspiring Horde alchemists, there were few organizations to be better educated by than the Royal Apothecary Society, both due to the level of talent they had on hand and the amount of resources they had access to - a service for which they received generous subsidies from other Horde member states.

As a result, for those that could learn to stand the otherwise revolting conditions, Undercity offered a treasure trove of education not found anywhere else in Horde territory, perhaps not even in all of Azeroth.

The end result was that a small, but thriving, hospitality industry had managed to establish itself, tucked away in one of the more habitable parts of the city; and it was because of its living clientele that it was the only area of Undercity where alcohol, a substance that had little to no effect on Forsaken depending on individual physiology, was sold.

This in turn led a particular inn, known as The Drunken Bat, to serve a favorite spot for Maurus and Custis to gather for drinks every day after work. Granted, they couldn’t actually feel the effects of the beverages they were imbibing, but getting drinks together had been a common pastime of theirs in life, and they’d both agreed in death that it was important to keep up certain rituals - if for no other reason than to better separate them from the mindless zombies of the Lich King’s army.

Except today what was normally the gentle merriment of the establishment was marred by an unspoken sense of unease as the inn’s patrons, both living and dead, tried their absolute best not to shift in their seats, and certainly not to look at the table in the corner of the room where four hooded figures with long, corpse white ears sat huddled.

“You don’t think they’re here for us.” Maurus whispered as his eyes darted around the room in search of a backup exit.

“Just shut up and drink!” Custis hissed in reply. “And don’t let anyone ever hear you say that sentence again!”

“S-sorry…” The former lifted his drink to his lips with a shaky hand.

“Don’t be sorry, just-“ he stopped. “Nevermind. Let’s just finish our drinks and get out of here.”

Maurus nodded. “Good idea.”

Before he could take another sip, however, the mug fell from his hands, spilling its contents all over the table as he stared, eyes wide in horror, at the door, where a fifth dark ranger - one that he recognized - had just entered.

A noise of sheer terror caught Velonara’s attention, and she turned her head to see a familiar looking forsaken panicking as his drink went all over the table he was sitting at.

Hadn’t he been watching her the other day?

It didn’t matter, she decided. There were far more important matters to focus on at the moment. With that in mind, she made her way past the shambling mess, over to the table where four dark rangers, led by Alina, sat watching and waiting.

One thing that had made this plan so difficult to formulate was that Nathanos generally took great care to take as many varying paths to and from his office as he possibly could, specifically _so_ no one could make a plan to intercept him. It’d taken hours of planning alone just to find the place that the most of his routes went through, but it’d been worth it to discover that there was in fact one single choke point through which all paths crossed. 

It was for that reason that they now gathered at a table by the window, watching and waiting for their target to pass by.

“Has he come through yet?” Velonara asked in a low voice as she got close enough to not be overheard.

“Not yet.” Alina answered, not taking her eyes off the window. “What about…?”

“Lower right pants pocket.”

“His right or ours?”

“Ours, I think.”

“Alright.” Alina paused, before looking away from the window and up at Velonara. “By the way, I’m… sorry again, about-”

“If you apologize one more time, I’ll throw you in the river myself.” She cut her off. Poor thing had already spent the entire planning session practically prostrating herself before the rest of them out of sheer guilt.

“I-” Alina swallowed. “Yes ma’am…”

“GS is the one at fault here. Not you. Understand?”

At that, Alina sat up a little straighter. “Yes ma’am.”

“Good. Now don’t apologize aga-”

“There he is! There he is!” One of Alina’s rangers cut her off with an excited hiss.

Velonara leaned over to where the ranger was looking from and, sure enough, the Greasestain himself could be seen walking along the edge of the six foot drop to the river below at a brisk pace.

“Go, go!” She ushered them, and immediately the team of rangers got up and hurried to the door, before stopping short just inside.

Alina turned back to face the group. “Okay remember, just like we practiced. Three, two, one!”

With that, she turned back around and opened the door.

“Anyway,” She loudly spoke in a voice that made her sound as though she had the intelligence of a dog, leading her team out the door and into the street as she did so. “I was, like, so totally stoked because I looked SO amazing in that top, but then I found out that fucking Lythaesra was planning to wear the same one to the party, and I was, like, so pissed because she looked so gross in it anyway but everyone liked her more so I had to go shopping again for the sixth time that day!”

“By the light, Alina, I know exactly what you mean.” One of her rangers replied. “I remember there was, like, this house party I got invited to, and this guy I really liked was also, like, totally going to be there as well, so I went to, like, the Royal Exchange to get a new outfit, right? And I, like, totally found the most amazing lipstick there that made me look so hot! But then, like, I get to the party, and fucking Tsalindra was there wearing the same fucking lipstick and talking to him, and I was just like ‘Excuse me, are we going to have a fucking problem?’”

It was then that Alina turned to pretend to notice Nathanos walking along not far away from them. “Oh!” She called out as she raised her hand to wave excitedly at him. “Ranger lord! Ranger lord!”

As Nathanos turned to look at them, his face the same irritable mask as ever, Alina and the other rangers jogged over to him with the expressions of a group of teenage girls gathering around the one boy whom they’d all taken a spontaneous interest in.

“What do you want, ranger?” He greeted them, seemingly oblivious to the cues being given.

No matter. Alina knew what she was doing. Or rather, Nathanos didn’t, which really was all that mattered for the purposes they had planned. 

Placing both hands gently on one of his arms, she let out a small giggle. “We were all planning to go shopping for outfits, but we were really also hoping we could find a boy to tell us how we looked while we did it!”

Nathanos’ eyes narrowed at first, before seeming to glance around in thought. After a few seconds of apparent confusion, his gaze returned to her and he hesitantly answered. “I’m… I’m a boy.” 

“Does that mean you’ll do it?” Alina asked like a puppy, without missing a beat, her crimson eyes practically sparkling with delight.

“I-” Nathanos was clearly becoming flustered. “Yes, I’ll do it.”

“Wonderful! Come on, this way!”

She briefly let go of his arm with one hand to beckon her friends closer to him. Almost immediately, each of the other three rangers took the same sort of infatuated hold on his arms that she did as they began leading him further down the street along the river, off towards shopping adventures.

As they began to pass out of view, Velonara got up from her seat near the window and quietly slipped out of the inn, watching from a distance as the four of them herded him just slightly closer to the edge of the street.

Of course, while the idea for the four of them to pickpocket him then and there had been floated when planning the operation, it was ultimately concluded that Nathanos, if nothing else, _was_ an incredibly skilled ranger, and it wouldn’t be wise to take such a massive risk without some sort of distraction to overwhelm and occupy all of his senses.

A distraction, such as the glowing green river below.

That said, it’d take a special kind of dumbass to do something as foolish as trying to push Ranger-Lord Nathanos Blightcaller into the horrid sludge that flowed throughout Undercity. Such a dumbass would easily be risking true death in the most agonizing manner possible, a fate which nothing short of the warchief’s word would be able to spare him from if caught.

Luckily, Velonara knew just the dumbass they needed.

As she adjusted her gaze to look further down the street, she caught sight of Black Rose, better known as Death Hunter Moorgoth, approaching in a set of dark robes, which Anya had provided to try and give him at least some degree of anonymity for what was to come.

Inevitably, his own gaze likewise fell on her, and she gave him a thumbs up and encouraging smile in response, which only seemed to strengthen his resolve as, a moment later, he passed within physical range of the GS.

Without even a moment’s hesitation, to his credit, he turned and immediately shoved the human with enough force to send him and, by extension, the rangers holding onto him hurtling over the edge of the street and into the ghastly sludge below.

Immediately he turned and bolted, shortly before Anya came around the corner at an all out sprint, pretending to silently chase after him.

Velonara, meanwhile, quickly ran up to where Nathanos had been pushed off, feigning a look of concern. Though she couldn’t see what was going on beneath the surface, she knew well enough what was happening. At the moment, three of the rangers were pretending to flail around and panic, inadvertently dragging Nathanos down and occupying his attention as they did so. Alina, meanwhile, would etherealize into her banshee form so that her hand would effortlessly slip into his pants pocket and withdraw the key while the other four continued to struggle.

It was only a few seconds’ wait before a single ghostly, clawed hand broke the surface clutching the key to Nathanos’ office. Velonara wasted no time in taking it, immediately turning and etherealizing herself as well to make it to his office in as little time as she could. It wasn’t exactly subtle, but then, it was only natural to assume the GS would return to his office to change as soon as possible after his current clothes became completely soaked in whatever horrid substance he’d just been submerged in.

As she made it to the door, she returned to her physical form, key in hand, where Lenara and Lyana continued to flank the entrance on either side.

“You good, Virgin?” Lenara smirked.

“Ugh, just please shut up and get ready to warn me when he’s coming.” She answered offhandedly as she practically jammed the key into the lock.

“Whatever you say, Virgin.”

She knew Lenara loved repeating the name as much as possible specifically to annoy her, but once again, she couldn’t be bothered to actually hazard a clever comeback - not when every second was as crucial as it currently was.

As she turned the key, a heavy click sounded, and Velonara turned the handle while simultaneously shoving the heavy door forward, finding to her relief that it gave in without issue.

Slipping discretely inside, she gave the office a quick glance over. On the left side sat an ornate chaise of blue and gold Quel’dorei design, opposite which was a staggeringly large portrait of a nude Sin’dorei tongue-wrestling a likewise nude Kaldorei on a beach in some far away land; and while it was certainly tastefully done and ultimately pleasing to look at, the sight of it in Nathanos’ office made Velonara ultimately resolve to do her best to ignore its existence for the rest of her time here, if for no other reason than to save herself thoughts of what Nathanos might enjoy doing while looking at it.

As she reached his desk, she circled around to find a pair of drawers on either side of it. Pulling open the first one, she was greeted by the sight of folders and documents stacked to the brim. A quick rife through confirmed that it was, in fact, filled with just papers.

The next three drawers fared no better. Surely he couldn’t be keeping them in the closet, she thought. With the amount he’d stolen from them, it’d require at least a desk drawer to hold it all.

Then again, there weren’t many other places in the relatively spartan office they actually could be.

As she turned around and opened the door to the closet, her eyes began to scan around the wooden compartment. In the top right corner hung a spare set of Nathanos’ uniform, along with a few other sets of clothes, typical of what she’d expect. Below that sat, to her significant confusion, a bucket of blue paint, next to a similar bucket of paint thinner. They both looked as though they’d been opened recently. Her gaze moved to the left side of the closet, her confusion turning to disgust at the sight of what appeared to be a pillow the height of a person, upon which was painted the Dark Lady, completely naked, lying in a remarkably seductive pose.

No cards though.

Outside, meanwhile, Anya stood behind a nearby corner, alongside a terrified Moorgoth.

“I-I don’t think I can do this.” The makeup-covered blood elf stuttered as his eyes darted around in abject terror. “It was one thing to just push him and run, but this-”

Anya’s hand cracked across his face. “Shut up. Do you want to impress Velonara or not?”

He nodded meekly.

“Well Velonara doesn’t date pussies, so stand up straight and fucking earn it.”

“Y…” He cleared his throat, before speaking again in a more confident voice. “Yes ma’am.”

It was at just that moment that one of Anya’s rangers came dashing around the corner.

“He’s coming!” She hissed, earning a nod of confirmation from her superior, before continuing onwards.

“It’s go time.” Anya whispered with a steely gaze up at the taller Sin’dorei. “Now get out there and show Velonara what you’re made of.”

“Yes ma’am!”

A few seconds later, Nathanos came storming past, causing Anya to all but dart away and leave Moorgoth to his fate.

It would’ve taken an extra special kind of dumbass to stop Nathanos at that very moment, and luckily, it seemed, the death hunter remained up to the challenge.

“H-hey!” He called out meekly, only for Nathanos to keep going as if he hadn’t heard him. 

He turned to ask Anya what to do, only to find the terrifying dark ranger long gone. This was not good. This was very not good.

“Uh, hey!” He called out again as he started after the ranger lord. Velonara was going to be so mad at him if he screwed this up, he knew.

The thought of disappointing the object of his affections almost instantly lit a fire inside him, and with renewed determination he started off after Nathanos again. “Hey! You!”

They turned a corner, and Moorgoth found himself in sight of the office door. “Hey!!” He called out once more, now with a touch of anger.

This time, the ranger lord turned around, soaking wet and eyes blazing. “WHAT?!” He all but shouted at the Sin’dorei in question.

And then, all at once, whatever Moorgoth had been planning on saying to distract him died on his lips as he suddenly found himself, under the terrifying blood red gaze of the undead before him, unable to think of anything except the fastest exit.

“I… uh…” 

“Out with it, maggot, before I have your entrails made into a necklace!” The human pressed, his voice now dripping with equal parts venom and fury.

“I… um… I” And then, whether by divine intervention or a pure stroke of luck, a new set of words came pouring out of Moorgoth’s mouth. “Can I see your passport?”

Nathanos’ eyes narrowed. “My what?”

“You can’t be in here without a passport.”

“I’m the ranger lord of the forsaken.” He growled as his gaze intensified, causing Moorgoth to want to curl up in a dark corner somewhere. But no, he had to be strong, or else he’d never win Velonara’s hand in marriage.

“... He doesn’t have his passport!” He all but shouted at the two dark rangers standing guard outside the office, causing Nathanos to turn around to look at them only to receive a headshake in disapproval from Lenara and a look of visceral disgust from Lyana.

He sighed. “... Alright, look,” He began as he turned around to face the infernal distraction. “I’m going to go to my office now, and if you try to stop me just one more time, I’ll have you shot. Do you understand?”

And then, as quickly as it’d materialized, Moorgoth’s willpower broke down again under the weight of the human’s ire - causing him to rapidly devolve into a spineless, shaking mess.

“Yes sir…” He whimpered as Nathanos had already started walking away, before completely falling to his knees as a renewed sense of terror overtook him.

Back in the office, Velonara was in the middle of searching for perhaps a secret compartment behind the painting, when the sound of Moorgoth shouting about passports from just outside told her that she’d taken too long.

Letting go of the frame and letting it bonk back against the wall, she began looking around for somewhere to hide. There was always the… no, Nathanos’ clothes were in the closet, and even if they weren’t, she wouldn’t hide in there with the Dark Lady pillow if someone paid her.

Thinking fast, she put the key down on his desk, before reverting to her banshee form and diving under the chaise.

Outside, meanwhile, Nathanos stood in front of the door, reaching into his pocket for his key only to find it empty. As he began to descend into a show of frantically feeling around for his key, he reached out absentmindedly with one hand to turn the knob, only to freeze altogether as it gave in.

Slowly, he let go of it, drawing a one handed axe from his belt as he did so. “Rangers, stay here and secure the area. I’ll take care of this myself.”

Neither of them argued with the sentiment as a moment later, Nathanos threw the door open and went charging forth, axe swinging wildly, only to stop short as he spied the key sitting on his desk, where he must’ve left it.

From under the chaise, Velonara watched, keeping herself as small as possible and maintaining a firm grip over her lips with both of her now jaggedly clawed hands to keep from letting out a piercing shriek, even as every fiber of her being down to the core of her soul demanded otherwise.

Putting his axe away, Nathanos shoved the key back into his pocket and strolled back over to the door, opening it just enough to growl a quick “I am not to be disturbed” before closing it and locking it once more.

As he returned to stand in the center of the office, he seemed to pause for the barest moment, before spontaneously stripping, piece by piece, down to his underwear, a sight that made it harder and harder for Velonara not to scream with each passing second.

Summarily folding the soaking wet clothes over his arm, he lay them gently down on his desk, before stepping around the piece of furniture to the closet in back. A moment later, Velonara could see him return to the center of the room, bucket of paint now in tow.

Her confusion over the sight rapidly mounting, she had little choice but to watch in a mix of shock and horror as Nathanos got down on his knees, placing the bucket on the floor in front of him, before reaching both of his hands into it. It was a second later that he pulled his hands back out, and began summarily slathering the stuff all over his chest, causing him to let out a loud moan as his normally moody expression was replaced by one of pure and utter bliss.

“Blue~” The word came out the way one might say a lover’s name in the middle of an orgasm. “Bluuuuueeeee.” 

As the paint ran down his body, he greedily shoved his hands back into the bucket and pulled out more.

“Blue!” He moaned louder this time, his upper body beginning to wriggle as he rubbed more and more of the pigmented liquid all over himself.

Velonara had not felt the need to scream so strongly since she’d first been raised.

Sucking in air through his teeth, the human proceeded to cry out in pleasure “I accept the contract!”, before jamming both hands back into the paint bucket and proceeding to start shoveling paint into his mouth, handful after handful, followed by him rolling over onto his back to wriggle around on the floor, eyes closed, like a newborn infant.

“Blue… Blue!” He continued to moan incessantly.

Velonara couldn’t tell if the display had gone on for minutes, hours, or days by the time it finally ended. All she knew was that for the first time since she’d been risen, she felt the overpowering need to throw up.

It was to her tired relief, then, that she watched as Nathanos eventually got up and replaced the bucket of paint back in the closet in favor of retrieving the bucket of paint remover. As he returned to the center of the room, he knelt down once more before reaching into the vessel and beginning to use the stuff to get all the previously expended paint off of himself and out of his hair, neither substance being of much harm thanks to the fact that he was already dead.

As the last of it either dissolved or dripped off of his body, he got up and carried the bucket over to the closet where a spare set of clothes hung waiting for him. Replacing the bucket next to its counterpart, he grabbed the spare set and - to Velonara’s eternal gratitude - got dressed. A minute later, he was thankfully gone.

The second she heard the lock on the door turn, she all but jetted herself out from under the chaise and immediately let out the longest, most ear shattering scream of terror, confusion, and rage a banshee could possibly give. It took every ounce of willpower still left in her to not set fire to the room and everything inside then and there, starting with that wretched closet.

Reverting back to physical form, she steadied herself. Calm. Calm was what was needed. The Greasestain was… far worse than any of them had imagined. And he still had their cards somewhere. That was the takeaway from today’s events. Okay.

As the door unlocked from the inside shortly after, Lenara and Lyana watched as Velonara slowly emerged from the room behind her, her eyes staring through the wall a thousand yards away at something neither of them could see.

“How was it?” Lyana asked gently.

“I have seen sights fit for neither the dogs of the Alliance, nor the demons of the Burning Legion.” She answered without looking at her, her voice an even monotone.

“But…?” Lenara began, hoping for a happy ending.

Velonara shook her head, which seemed to do her some good in anchoring her back to reality. “No cards. Which means we’ll need to come up with a plan B.” She paused. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go purge my brain. Good day.”

Without waiting for a reply, Velonara turned and started off in the direction of... literally anything other than the place she'd just been.


End file.
